It puts the seeds on both sides of the bagel or it gets the hose again

There are some things in life that seem so amazingly simple to me that I trick myself into believing that no one could possibly mess them up. Oh what a naive moron I am. People are so incompetent that they will always find a way to fuck up things that should be completely nonfuckupable. What is worse is that the majority of the time they don't even believe that they are making a mistake. Instead they will justify their jackassery by saying that they are "doing it their way" or "making it their own." Sorry friend, you are wrong. When you make a bagel with the toppings on one side it is because you are an incompetent fool.

Growing up in Cali we frequented a bagel joint called Phil A Bagel. It was the greatest. The bagels were soft and had toppings on both sides. They were like heaven. I never knew that there could be such a thing as a bad bagel. Then I moved to Morris, IL and my world was rocked, there were no bagels. None. Sure, I was probably wrong for thinking that a rural town in the midwest would have the delicious breakfast treat of the Chosen. As far as I know there was only one Jewish family in Morris and for some selfish reason they didn't run a bagel shop. Jerks. It was a bad situation and I was forced into accepting mediocrity or worse when it came to bagels. 

When I lived in Chicago I found, with some help, a couple of places that made good bagels. Sadly all of these places were a pain in the ass to get to and Einstein Bros and Dunkin Donuts were so much closer. For years I would justify eating sub standard bagels by mumbling "better than no bagel." In retrospect it was sad how I compromised one of my core values; that bagels should be delicious. 

No longer will I compromise. As I sat here in Jersey City sipping an iced coffee (with ice cubes made of coffee! Holy shit!) and munching on the most delicious everything bagel that has ever been made on this Earth I came to the epiphany that I can't live the way I've been living. I will never settle again. I will only dine on the bagels of superior quality for the rest of my days. When I go out with a real estate agent who rambles on about the schools I will tell them to shut up and give me the lowdown on the bagel scene. When I venture back into the midwest and crave a bagel I will tell my stomach to pull it's head out of it's ass and order biscuits and gravy. And then I will wonder if my stomach has a head and an ass. 

From this day forward all of my bagels will have seeds on both sides. On this day I shall liberate myself from the tyranny and oppression of hard bagels with minimal toppings. I am going to scream out to the world that I will not go quietly into the night! I will not vanish without a fight! I'm going to live on! I'm going to survive! Today I celebrate my Independence Day (from bad bagels)!