I hope Eagle Man eats the Geico Gecko

After spending the first fifteen years of my life outside of San Francisco I had a lot of culture shock to deal with when I moved to Morris, Il. Morris, for those of you who don't know, is a farm town of about 10,000 people an hour away from Chicago. Within my first few weeks of trying to adapt I saw my first grain elevator, heard every single joke about being gay or a surfer imaginable, had to wait 15 minutes in traffic for a combine to cross over a bridge and learned what "pop" was. None of this would compare to how my mind was blown the day I was introduced to Eagle Man.

 

While I do find the commercial amusing I believe that Eagle Man was the frontrunner of a trend that I find to be abhorrent; insurance mascots. Soon after Eagle Man came the Geico Gecko, Erin ESurance, the Geico Caveman, Flo from Progressive, Mayhem for All State and that fucked up wad of dollar bills from Geico. I'm sure that I have forgot at least 4 more bullshit Geico mascots but you get the point. We have had these characters shoved down our throats CONSTANTLY. The amount of money that insurance companies spend on advertising must be terrifying. Of course, insurance companies have more money than practically everyone else on Earth so it's not surprising. I just want to know what the point is with all these dopey characters they trot out.

If you are trying to sell me some toys it makes sense to trot out a guy in an animal costume performing some slapstick antics. Insurance seems like it should be dealt with a touch more gravitas. I guess the way I look at it is if I'm going to be spending thousands of dollars on something a year I don't want to buy it from a (sorta hot) cartoon broad with pink hair. Yet when insurance commercials try to be remotely serious they trot out Pedro Cerrano to warn you that every time you leave your house an army of goblin/rapist/thief/arsonists are going to destroy your shit and you will be left with nothing. It's as if there is no middle ground. Realism is also an option that they can't resort to or else no one would be interested. "Give us all of your money and we will keep you safe. Unless something happens and then we will fight you tooth and nail for every last cent and hopefully find a loop hole leaving us responsible for nothing," isn't exactly the kind of catchphrase that will have people lining up to purchase insurance. 

In order to be relatable to the masses insurance companies have to take the guise of an effeminate amphibian, how fucked up is that? Of course if you can't relate to a gecko maybe a midget general with a penguin henchman is more your style. Seriously. Commercials for the General Insurance make me certain that my water has been laced with LSD. 

Here is a short list of my problems with The General.

• He is a midget. Nothing against midgets but other than Napoleon there isn't a real history of midgets in the military. Pretty sure they have height requirements.
• He has no eyes. None. Just eyebrows.
• He hangs out with a penguin and we all know that penguins are not to be trusted.

• As far as I can tell he is quite a stud on the dance floor BUT THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INSURANCE.

These ads drive me absolutely insane. Just tell me what you want me to buy and make a good argument for it, I don't need everything sugarcoated by fucked up cartoons and penguins with proof of insurance wearing sunglasses in a night club.