31 going on 78

As a freelancer I can best describe my self as"lightly employed." Since I have my days to do whatever the hell I want I experience some things that those in the working world have long forgotten about. Much of the time I consider this to be a bonus. I don't have to wake up until half past Price is Right, pants wearing is completely optional and I get to putter around on the internet all day and not do any actual work until midnight if that's what I want to do. While those are wonderful perks there are some pratfalls that make me wish that I was stuck in an office all day so that I didn't have to experience them. Today I made an epic mistake; I went to the grocery store at 3 pm.

On the surface it really seems like I am bitching about nothing, I understand this. Let me give you some background info. The grocery store is next to Lane Tech, one of the larger high schools in Chicago. 3 pm is when those little cretins get released for the day. The entire store was crawling with teenagers. Teenagers standing around blocking all the aisles. Teenagers yelling and screaming about nothing. Teenagers getting in my goddamn way at every turn. I HATE TEENAGERS.

As one of them stood in the middle of the aisle completely oblivious to the two carts trying to get past him I had the following thought, "Goddamn whippersnappers!" I shit you not, my mind actually thought the word "whippersnappers." What the hell is wrong with me? I'm 31 years old for God's sake. I shouldn't be using that word for at least fifty more years. I like to think that I was using it ironically but I know that I wasn't. I came to the sobering realization that I am an old man at heart, I may have always been. Here is a list of my most overtly "senior" traits:

• The majority of my clothing comes from LL Bean, most notably the corduroy pants I always wear.
• I'm bald.
• For the most part I drink Scotch and bourbon. If I have a cocktail it's a Manhattan or an Old Fashioned.
  
• When I'm beer drinking I prefer PBR and Old Style. Remember, before this became cool our grandpas were the only ones drinking those.
• I have serious doubts that any listenable music has been made in the last 15 years, possibly longer.
• I still like to read the newspaper in paper form.
• I tend to think that every athlete from "back in my day" would destroy every modern day athlete. (Walt Weiss was 100 times the ballplayer that prima donna Jeter ever will be!)
• I assume that everyone 10 years younger than me is a blithering idiot who has never read a book. (Even though I know this is wrong I still catch myself thinking it all of the time)
• I like plaid way too much.
• My passport picture features me yelling at a cloud.
• I still use a land line.
  
• I complain about EVERYTHING.

I can't believe it. I was never one of the cool kids, I've certainly never been on the cutting edge of anything. Despite this I'm still not ready to admit that I am basically a senior citizen. The only real signs of youth left in my life are my bleeding heart liberal politics and my ability to tolerate cold weather. That's it. I've got to do something exciting in order to regain my lost youth! Something reckless, something dangerous! I know, I'll got to the casino. Gambling and drinking are incredibly reckless. Not to mention that I will have to venture into Hammond, IN in order to do so, that has danger written all over it. Let's go take back my youth!!

If you want to join me I'll be sitting at the penny slots hooked up to an oxygen tank. Sigh.